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Redemption is Needed
when you only have a small strand of hope
I'm baaack!
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It's been almost a year since I've written in this journal. A lot has happened in my life since then.

Snape's death, I think, still hasn't completely hit me. For two years he was my constant companion, and to this day I still turn to tell him about something I recently read or a thought I had. He's not here, and it's my fault. I should have listened to him. I should have done what he told me, and he'd be alive. We might still be on the run, but he wouldn't have died protecting me.

And now, Granger owes me a bloody life debt, which seems to have no ending that looks promising. Hermione Granger, there's a person that's changed. She doesn't look anything like I remember, somehow growing into all that hair. She's not the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, being a Pureblood and in the circles we used to keep, I've seen my share of beauties, but she has a certain charm. I could sort of see what Weasley thought. But sometimes, when she opens her mouth for example, it sort of distracts from her looks. While I might not agree with everything she says, she is intelligent. Extremely intelligent. Beauty and Brains in someone with her heritage seems almost criminal, but I digress.

My mother has come back. Apparently she was trying to find a family member who still had a bit of influence to help me get out of Azkaban. I don't know if she still feels betrayed by my aunt or if she is simply that abhorred by muggles. I amwas as well, but it's different now. Living without my wand, having to do everything the way my uncle and his relatives do can put things into perspective. While they don't have the convience of magic, they have worked out their own ways of making things easier on themselves. Autos are rather impressive, as are microwaves. Don't put anything silver in a microwave though. It gets really mad and sets itself on fire. I've never seen anything like it.

The greatest invention, though, is the telly. I'm telling you, if it weren't for that thing I would be completely stir crazy. I wonder how they get the people in the picture to talk and such. It's wonderful. The wizarding world catch on introduce them to the masses.

I've also caught up with Pansy. She looks just as I remember, if not a little sad. She was always so pretty but a bit vapid at times. She's one of my oldest friends and I can tell that this war has changed her, for the better or worse remains to be seen. She's in charge of her family's estate, which is a daunting task given her their finances, but she's smart, much smarter than people give her credit for, so she'll figure it out after a bit of help.

Anyway, I should get going, the quiz show I watch is coming on the telly.

Current Mood: blank blank

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I've never been so cold. We've found a few moments to stop and think, and while Severus is trying to light a fire without using his wand, I'm sitting on the cold, dirty ground waiting for the warmth. Warmth was something I always took for granted. No longer will I ever complain about being hot after I've been colder than I ever want to be.

We're hiding in the forest somewhere outside of France. Severus says there are spies everywhere which is why we can't stay in a hotel, the woods are safer. I don't know about that. I remember the Forbidden Forest and there was nothing safe about that.

My life has gone to shit and there's nothing I can do about it. Severus also tells me that using such language is unsophisticated, but when you're sleeping in the dirt because you're on the run for murder, there's not too much sophistication running around.

I want to go home. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to not be afraid anymore. I want...my life back the way it was. I wish I had never heard the name Voldemort, and I wish my father hadn't been such a follower and had stood up for his family instead of cast us aside for the ideology of a mad man. Severus is my only ally aside from my mother.

I hope she is well. I wish I could write to her. I know I can't. What I wouldn't give to just hear her voice telling me that everything will work out.

Severus finally has the fire lit. He did it the muggle way because the Ministry is looking for his wand to show up. They're tracking both of our wands. We only found this out when we'd first left England and used them and the next thing we know we're being surrounded by Aurors. Luckily Severus is a quick thinker and ducked into the Muggle crowd. That's when we donned the glamour the first time. After that day, when it wore off, he decided we needed to alter our appearances a bit. The darker, longer hair is taking some getting used to, especially as it sees fit to fall into my eyes no matter what I'm doing. We also managed to get some muggle clothing, which despite its looks, is rather comfortable.

I think I'll stop writing now as I have nothing else to really say.

Draco Malfoy

Current Mood: discontent discontent

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I've learned to keep my head down. If that's one thing Severus has told me time and again it has been to keep my head down. Severus, my only companion, has taken the vow he made to my mother to heart. His part in this is my fault. Everything is my fault. Dumbledore's death, Severus's loss of freedom, being on the run, my mother losing the rest of her family. It's all my fault.

And now, my father's dead. October 19,1998. They killed him to send me a message. He was going insane in Azkaban, but the way the Aurors founds his body...I'm more convinced now that they were telling me that the same thing will happen to me when they find me. How can I ever apologize to my mother? How can I ever tell her how sorry I am for what happened?

Severus decided days ago that my blond hair is too much of an attention getter, so he made me dye it. Glamours would wear off, he says. So, now it's brown, nothing that stands out, nothing that makes me stand out. For years I've wanted nothing but to be seen and now we have to blend into everyone else. We're living in the muggle world. The thought would have digusted me years ago, but no more. These people aren't like us, but they have their own ways. They have warm homes, fast food, and other things that our world is lacking. To think that I even wrote that is a miracle in itself.

Severus is prodding at me that we need to keep moving. We're currently in Italy, but he's gotten word that we probably should be back in England. I'm not sure why, but I trust him. He's been looking out for me my entire life and he's never led me astray. He saved my life on that tower. He did what I couldn't do.

I owe him everything.
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